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12 Days Post Surgery

June 26, 2017

 

 

So I had gastric sleeve. It still has not hit me yet. Yes the scale is coming down, but I am still stuck in this body. It is a part of the process and I am learning to trust God more than ever. Prior to weight loss surgery all I wanted to do was lose weight. A big part of that was my relationship with food. Unfortunately, 5,000 dollars later, my heart still loves food more than I love God. I hoped this insatiable lust for food would have ended, but I guess I did not realize how bad it was until after weight loss surgery. Despite not being able to intake the food, it still seems to control majority of my thoughts. 

 

Majority of my thoughts revolve around food. I truly love food, and  no it is not a completely bad thing. I love the art of food. I enjoy spending time with family cooking and seeing their happy faces. I enjoy creating exciting new dishes and sauces. I enjoy going out to the city and incorporating a stop at a new restaurant. Like most people, I love food. Food is fun, food is unpredictable, food is very comforting. God gave us food after all, but see this it is an obsession. Growing up my mom would always say you talk about food a lot. In my mind, I was just asking her what was on the menu to see if that is what I wanted to eat. What is for breakfast I would ask. I did this because my mom had a habit of seeing I liked one dish and would cook it ALL the time. However, sometimes I desired something different. Nonetheless, that was part of my obsession with food. I went to bed thinking about waking up to "break the fast." 

 

 Currently I lay up at night thinking about hot wings, corned beef and cabbage, sushi, and all types of pasta. I feel like it truly controls my thoughts. No, I can not actually eat the food, but if I could I would. I just broke down because I am sad I can not eat. I am tired of soups and sports drinks. I can not  walk out the house with out running into the aroma of a good meal. Every coffee shop is accompanied by a breakfast/brunch menu, and there is a food spot on every corner. Food is everywhere. Some people may not feel like they are being attacked in this way, but I do not consume food, it consumes me. 

 

This liquid diet/ thick liquid  phase is a fight. I think a lot of it has to do is that I do not have control. I am told what to eat and how to eat it. I can not even enjoy water. I now have to sip slow so that I will not get gas in my chest. I can not go to my favorite spot Starbucks because coffee will make me dehydrated. I can not even sip through a straw. Oh how I would love to just have a salad, a food I  took food for granted. I abused food.  Most of the time I rushed to eat my food. Most of the time I did not even chew the proper way because I was so excited to have my cake and eat it too. Now I am on a controlled diet, which is very new for me and out of my control. I can no longer control the chaos. I can no longer fill my voids and emotions with food. I now HAVE to let God into that area I kept from Him. 

 

No, gastric sleeve is not a quick fix. It never was that for me. I had to go on a stick pre-opt diet and knew I would have to after surgery as well. What I was unaware of was how I would deal with it. Now that it is here, God is becoming more of the center of my life. I feel this emptiness now that I filled with food, but now God is going in that hole. Often doctors require a psychological evaluation prior to surgery because they want patients to understand that the issue with obesity is this leech like  relationship with food. This relationship where we were once in control and the surgery is going to hinder that relationship. Now my flesh is sad. 

 

During one of my midnight breakdowns, my mom reminded me about Philippians 4:13, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I want to love God more than food at the end of the day. I believe I do, but my heart desires food often.

 

The Bible says, "Man shall not live by bread alone ( Luke 4:4)." God gave us the plants, the animals, and all the creeping things to have dominion over. During the fall the enemy perverted that relationship. Man began to love the things more than the creator. Man began to abuse the things, mass consume the things, experiments on the things. Man began to take advantage of Gods promise that man was created in God's image. I do not know why the enemy uses food to try and pull me from Go. Since this surgery, I believe he is trying to cause me to suffer in this season God has blessed me with so much. The irony is that is that I am dead to sin, so I depend on God even more. 

 

Despite the aforementioned, I am speaking victory over my life and this situation because I am more than a conquer. It is a fight and God gave me all the tools. The fight will still go on even after I am off my liquid diet. The fight will continue on after the weight is lost. But at the end of the day the BATTLE is already won. This crippled body is just temporary. I turn to God with thanksgivings because keeping a praise on my lips exalts God and He is glorified through my thankfulness. I am beyond thankful for the surgery, but I am thankful for the journey. I am thankful for those who I met along the way and a praying roommate who understands what I am going through. I am thankful that God gave man this technology because it has enriched the lives of so many of His children whom satan tempts with food. God is so God and through depending on God I will grow stronger

 

My sin might be food related, but the message is still the same. God gave us tools to fight. Whatever it is the the enemy uses to tempt you God gave you the tools to fight. Confess those sins to God. Cofess to God that you love the things, but you desire to be in love with Him more. Those things are causing you pain, sickness, separation, fear, and guilt have no dominion over you. The flesh may be weak, but the Holy Spirit has the power to transform your heart. No matter how long it takes do not give up FIGHTING. When you come across the flesh get up. Speak to the enemy. Speak life over yourself. Start to remember specific scriptures so that you can recall the word that became flesh to fight on your behalf. You are more than a conqueror. 

 

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